You'll find your way. My boyfriend was once in your shoes, doing what you have shown thru your pics. He found me and has found his path. He took that once step and said one word and it changed his life completely all at once without even realizing it. You just have to wait for yours. I know its easier said than done, but it'll never work out if you don't even try a little bit. All it takes is one word to the right person at the right time. Just be patient and it will come. Just don't go down that path. Hey, I'm a complete stranger to you and I am concerned enough to write all of this. Isn't that enough not to give up and keep going for a while?